I am quite a personal person who don’t really like to share my personal stuffs. I find it interesting that I even want to start a website or blog like this. The thought of one day my beloved child, Kayzen, may get to read all these, fuels much conviction and purpose for me to really do this thing.
Pear surprised me one day by throwing a pregnancy kit at me while I’m chilling on the sofa. The beautiful feelings surged in me was beyond words. Since then we brought this exciting feeling to every gynae checkups.
Pear have heavy pregnancy symptoms till a point that she looks weak. One day, there is spotting of blood and we head to A&E hospital. It seems fine after all but the gynae seems like starting to prep us on the instability of first trimester pregnancy.
At week 10, Pear come home feeling really pain and we rush to our gynae’s clinic. It was there and then,
We learned of our loss…
Chocolate was what we called him. Interestingly, we just felt the baby will be a boy. Chocolate’s name come about as because my surname is Chu “朱”, pronouncing chocolate in mandarin will be 朱古力，and the name means encourage and inspire.
When the gynae shared with us the options of doing surgery which cost much money, eating a pill which will cause much pain and ideally the womb flushes off naturally. Eventually, it was done naturally, I guess Chocolate does not want us to spent much money nor cause his mother further pain. He is such a sweet boy.
We did fire puja with his Godma’s help and there was a letter we hope would reach Chocolate.
A part of us died that day. But at the same time I realise how great the lessons Chocolate brought to me.
I grow up not fond of babies. It was so contradicting because I was so excited to be a father yet having a kid is more like a process to me, logically making Pear’s life full and making parents happy. It was until the very moment that when the scan shows the heart beat stopped, I found a voice in my inner mind screamed “I really want to be a parent, I really want you”
I was too late but the lesson you left behind will not be in vain. That night at home, we hugged and cried and we talked and we are more affirmed of his purpose in our lives.
The first lesson he taught us was the impossible to describe feeling of immense joy of a parent. It is so tranquil and calm that it could illuminate even the darkest part of the universe.
The second lesson was the true meaning of being a man that provides to his family. I had a paradigm shift on this joyful sense of responsibility.
The third lesson is that he made Pear very strong. I’m always the one instead confirming Pear but this time she was the stronger one. I guessed he really lived up to his name, being to encourage and to inspire. Chocolate is merely a 2cm matter floating inside the womb but we felt his strong spiritual presence.
The other lesson was compassion. I always have problem with empathy. Losing a child makes me wonder how people went through such episodes in life, some even went through more than once and I truly know the pain. It is hard when I’m out working alone watching other parents with their children, forced me to think of other parents who lost their child before and feel for them. Yet at the same time urges me to truly rejoice three successful parents and feel the miraculous joy in them. I can feel Chocolate inside me encourage and inspiring me to work on rejoicing and empathy. While the pain and sadness shows me empathy, the motivation for him propelled me to learn rejoicing.
From the meaning of his name, I would empower myself to remember that in order to truly protect Pear, I must protect our next kid as well.
If Kayzen ever read this, I hope to tell you that you once have an awesome elder brother and you could feel him in us